Back to School: Anxiety — Kindergarten and Grade One

Make your child a priority today!

For many students the first day of school doesn’t only mean new teachers and new friends – it can also be a source of anxiety.

Children as young as three may show signs of stress, several months before school even begins. This fear can be pretty intense.

Your young children may fear that something bad will happen to them and there will be no one to take care of them. They may worry about getting lost, not being able to find the bathroom in time and having an accident, not knowing when they will be going home or who will be picking them up.. Make sure to use every orientation opportunity so that your child is familiar with the school, their classroom, and their teacher. Feeling connected to the teacher can help to relieve your child’s anxiety. Tell your child who will pick them up and when. Don’t be late. A child who is waiting to be picked up is anxious. Ask the teacher how she helps children who are crying.

 Take it easy and make getting ready fun!

Fifteen Tips

  1. Label all your child’s belongings, including hats.
  2. Get kids’ sleep schedule ready for school two weeks prior the first day of school. Sleep makes kids smarter and more able to cope with stress. Put your child to bed earlier and wake her up earlier. Make this change in small increments. Children under the age of 12 need 10 to 12 hours of sleep.
  3. Choose clothes that are easy for your child to put on and take off.
  4. Have your child draw a picture to give to the teacher.
  5. Practice a good-bye ritual such as rubbing noses cheerfully, then kissing, and, with a smile, saying, “I love you. Enjoy your day and I’ll see you at 3:30.” When you are leaving your childn never sneak out without saying good-bye.
  6. Do as much preparation as possible the night before. Lay out clothes, pack easy, nutritious  lunches, and have backpacks at the door.
  7. Reassure your child that you are packing an extra pair of pants and socks in a plastic bag in his backpack, in case of an accident.
  8. Get a good night’s sleep.
  9. Prepare and plan a calm morning schedule.  A predictable routine is calming for children. Rushing increases stress.
  10. In the morning of the first day, get yourself ready first.
  11. Be calm. You may add to your child’s stress if you are stressed.
  12. Give your child an appropriate comfort object. For example a picture of the family, or with bright red lipstick kiss the back of your child’s hand with an all-day kiss.
  13. Provide a nutritious breakfast. Even young children, as young as 4 or 5, can pour a bowl of cereal.
  14. Arrive early to help your child engage with other kids.
  15. Plan a fun activity, such as a bike ride with you, for the end of the school day. This can give your child something to look forward to.

What if your child cries when you about to leave?

If your child is teary-eyed it is likely that he is afraid, feels unsafe, and doesn’t know how to self-sooth.

The two extreme reactions are to “rescue” too soon or to leave the child crying.

Don’t say, “Don’t be afraid.” Young children can’t separate themselves from their feelings. Children may feel shame if they are not allowed to express their feelings.

Instead, show empathy.  Hold your child and say, “I know you feel sad. You are okay. You are safe.” Recognize your child’s effort to be brave.

A calm teacher can play an important role here, by doing something to engage your child and by having a welcoming ritual. A child who feels connected to the teacher is usually less anxious.

Share on the web

The Countdown Begins!

I’ve been teaching/coaching parents for more than 30 years. Yet when the countdown begins for my next workshops my heart still bubbles with joy and anticipation. I look forward to meeting everyone, new faces and old. Even more so, I look forward to sharing the research, information, and resources that have  helped so many amazing parents to be the parent they dreamed of being — calmly managing the most difficult situations.

Knowing that we all want the best for our kids, I teach skills that will help you to stop yelling and shaming. We all know the intense pain of being shamed as a small child, feeling like we are flawed and unlovable.young girl trying to block out sound of parents arguing When we shame our kids we promote behaviours like lying because many kids would rather lie than feel the pain of being shamed.

Children are people too.

The primary difference between healthier families and controlling or permissive families is that parents in healthier families allow children to grow up as persons in their own right.

“If you bungle raising your children, nothing else matters much in life.”

—Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

I enjoy giving parents up-to-date tools that work. I relish parents’ comments afterwards, like “I did that, Win, and I was amazed — it really worked.” These simple tools do work, and perhaps more importantly, they leave your child’s self-esteem intact too. I love to use the analogy that just as you would never use a typewriter again — once you’ve used a computer — you won’t want to  use outdated parenting tools again either, once you learn about these effective, time-efficient tools that truly make parenting easier and more enjoyable!

canstockphoto-2It’s just amazing how — if you make what seem to be small changes — you can change your relationship with your child forever. It will be calmer and more peaceful. And your child will want to co-operate, and listen to you because your child will trust you more. These skills and resources will hold you steady right through the adolescent years.


Share on the web

When your child cries because you are leaving, can you show empathy?

I received this email from a mother looking for guidance about how to handle her 4-year old’s behaviour when she has to leave the child to go to work, attend doctor’s appointments, etc. (The content of the email has been modified to protect the identities and privacy of the individuals.)

I have two children: a 4-yr old daughter and an 11-mon.-old son. From the day my daughter started talking she has been very dominant over me. For example, she cries everyday when I leave for work, she tells me that I can’t go to work, I can’t go to  appointments  etc. She wants me to stay home all the time. My husband and I both work outside the home. He works long hours with lots of overtime. I work shift work. She has a pretty routine life. Whenever I leave she begs me not to, and cries, and says how much she loves me, that she wants to come, that she will be a good girl. She will get very mad when I tell her no. She will repeat things to me that I have told her, regarding her behaviour. Also, bed time is another chore. She refuses, sometimes, to go to bed and wants us to lay with her every night and that has put a strain on our marriage.

I have major mom guilt for everything I do. I feel like I need to be with my kids all the time. Our youngest is also now crying when I leave for work and doesn’t want me out of his sight.

Looking for some guidance…

I wish that I could hug you and your children.

You have a very busy life. You and your husband work full-time and you have two young children. Stress is added because your husband sometimes works overtime and you work shift work. For your daughter, this is anything but a routine. It is confusing and stressful for her because she can’t figure out when her mom and dad will be home and when they won’t.

It’s important to see what is happening from your daughter’s perspective.

There are things that you can do to make it better.

First, ask yourself “Are you running on empty?” If your cup is empty, how can you nurture and take care of children? You can’t. If you have ever flown, you will remember that at the beginning of the flight, the attendant stands in front of you and gives instructions on what to do should an emergency occur: “When the oxygen mask drops down, if you have children with you, put the mask on yourself first.” You cannot nurture your children if you don’t nurture yourself. Or as an old lady I knew put it, “You can’t get water from a dry well.”

Parenting is energy-consuming. Assess your energy level. You need a high energy diet, small meals and snacks with protein in each one. Are you getting as much sleep as you can? Exercise is important. You don’t have to go to a gym. As few as 15 minutes a day walking or playing outside with your children can make a big difference.

One of the red flags that tells me that you probably feel overwhelmed and powerless over the situation, is that you seem to blame the child for the situation and for how you are feeling. “She has been dominant over me”, “wants me to stay home all the time,” “wants us lay with her every night and that has put a strain on our marriage.” This situation is not the child’s fault, nor is it your fault. No one is to blame. However, it is your responsibility to change how you are responding to your daughter. She is a preschooler who is dependant on you.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” – Dalai Lama

Change yourself first. Become a mindful parent. This requires being aware of what is going on inside of you. Do you have a clenched jaw, a churning stomach? If so, deep breathe. Only when you are calm will you be able to help your child to become calm.

Your 4-yr. old is suffering from separation anxiety. She feels afraid because she knows you are leaving. She is not trying to manipulate you, but she can’t manage her anxiety alone. The anxiety that she is feeling can be as intense as the anxiety you would feel if you lost her at the mall.

Don’t punish her. Don’t make her suffer more than she  is already. Like all children, she needs to feel connected to you, her mother. This is an opportunity for deep closeness. Please don’t miss this opportunity. The child needs reassurance that she will be safe until you return. I’m sure that you don’t want her to feel like she is a burden just because she needs you. No one can take your place. This is not misbehaviour. This is a 4-year-old who feels scared and needs your kindness and empathy. You don’t want to make her feel bad for having human feelings.

The next time your daughter expresses anxiety and fear that you are going to leave her, I encourage you to:

  1. Role-model how to manage intense feelings by managing your own. Control yourself first. Take a moment to breathe deeply. Don’t judge what’s happening and don’t judge your child. Say to yourself, “This moment is what it is.”
  2. Engage with your child. Hold her close to you. Acknowledge her feelings and needs. You can say, “It looks like you are feeling scared that mommy is leaving. You wish that I could stay home and be with you.” Kids will do almost anything we request when we make the request with a loving heart.
  3. Then, when you are both calm, you can begin problem-solving. (Caution: Don’t rush to problem-solving until you are both calm.) You can ask her to think about what you both can do when you get home. You can give her something that will help her feel connected to you until you return. You can give her an all-day kiss. Put on some bright red lipstick and kiss the back of her hand. Give her your scarf, or a picture of you.

Kids will do almost anything we request when we make the request with a loving heart.

Sometimes you can prevent separation anxiety events when you recognize and meet her needs. She is a preschooler who needs: structure, enough sleep, substantial time with her parents, and to be heard. She needs to feel safe. Much of what we call a child’s misbehaviour is really about needs not met.

Finally, create departure and bedtime routines that are held sacred. Routines help children to feel safe.

Best wishes!

Share on the web